I'm Not Afraid to Keep On Living

I'm 25 and I feel like i haven't done anything significant with my life. I want to do something about a cause I care deeply about, but I don't even know what that cause is right now. I lov emy job and the people I work with, I enjoy teaching, I have a few very good friends that mean the world to me.

But then I read about people who are my age who have made documentaries about causes that matter; that are petitioning for different political things they believe in; organizing events across the world and I get jealous because I'm not doing that.

I understand that what I do has an impact, but it could be done by anybody. I'm not important in the equation because at any time someone else can step in and do the same thing. I'm insignificant and I don't like that feeling.

I've always wanted to make a difference with something, but I've never found the cause that moves my heart. In college I tried to make a difference using every cause, but I didn't think big enough, participate in anything that was life altering or world changing. I flitted from cause to cause, issue to issue, and stayed long enough to get my feet wet but not long enough for the water to even reach my knees.

They didn't touch me, they already had people championing for them and were well on their way to being solved. Or at least acknowledged. They might have benefitted from my help, but I was just a drone in the machine, a nobody.

How do I become a somebody? How do I find something that makes me that passionate and that idealistic and that motivated?

According to an in depth horoscope reading, everything in my life is too easy. I have luck in spades and don't know how to work for things because luck always ends up winning out. I am lucky, but I do believe that I make my own luck by approaching things in the manner by which I approach them. My horoscope also says that I will live a steady life until there is a major event that will shake me and set me on a new path. I have to hope that whatever that new path is, it's my cause, my thing to champion. I don't want to wait patiently for it, though, I want to go out fighting and find it.

I took a personality test that basically said the same thing--I think differently then a lot of people, and am able to see end results two-steps in, and know if something is going to work or not. That's why I would join things and see how they worked out effortlessly; how I can watch a movie and predict the ending; sit in a staff meeting and be bored out of my mind because I already know what the end result is. It said that I'm content to sit in the shadows until something forces me into the light, and that when I'm in the light? I'll fucking shine.

I want that more then I want anything. More then I've ever wanted something. I want to be able to work on something and have it matter and be important, and what I'm doing right now isn't that. I'm not an idiot, I'm not going to go out and quit my job tomorrow. I just wish I knew what to do and how to do it.

I'm too fucking complacent and lazy. I'm 25, I'm an adult. Now I just have to fucking act like one.